Ready or not

I have decided that I am not ready to have another baby. I am completely ready not to be pregnant any more. But, as for having another child in this house, I am NOT READY. How have I made it through 9 months only to be unprepared at this point? Some things are ready. Yesterday I installed the car seat, and today I set up the bassinet and the swing, so technically I am ready for a baby. But I am not ready. I just don't feel like I'm prepared. I know that Kiran is going to have a difficult time, and I have not prepared him well enough. He always wants to be held, and I usually accomodate him. In four days, physically I will not be able to pick him up. He doesn't know that, and it won't seem fair that I can hold the baby. Sammy has reverted to baby talk. He already seems to understand how much attention the baby is going to get. After Kiran was born I remember thinking that I had ruined Sammy's life, because he did not like the baby at all. It only took a few days for him to adjust, and now he probably doesn't remember life without Kiran, but I tortured myself over what I had done to him.

I know that I am rambling here. I don't know how to express exactly what I am feeling. I just hope I can do this. Of course I will do it. I don't have a choice. And I need to remember that it is not all up to me. This is probably a great lesson for me, because I tend to take on everything on my own. I resist asking for help, and I resist leaning on God's strength. He is probably trying to show me how much I need Him, and I have to admit He has my attention.

Anyway, for the next four days, I need to focus on one thing. I have to fill out a birth certificate on Monday, and I have no idea what it will say. Boy or girl, it doesn't matter, we have no names.